


Red Her and the Lost Boys

by elwon



Series: Bizarro Knows Best [4]
Category: Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws Rebirth (Comics)
Genre: Artemis is beyond done, Bat-Mite meal toys, Bizarro is sunshine and joy, Bizarro's entering the kryptonian clone version of grumpy teen phase, Gen, Jason's life is ridiculous, mentions of JayDick, this is basically gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 00:01:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11794218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elwon/pseuds/elwon
Summary: Jason went out to pick up lunch and hasn’t come back yet. Artemis thinks he’s probably gone to meet Dick, but Bizarro’s starting to get worried.





	Red Her and the Lost Boys

Bizarro’s been sitting in the kitchen for about an hour waiting for Jason to get home. He’s bored, worried and a bit hungry even though he’s had a couple of apples. Jason had gone out with Fenris for a lunch run to Batburger because he’d been craving jokerised fries, and he’d promised Bizarro several bat-mite meals (Bizarro wanted to start up a collection of the bat toys and he wanted Pup-pup to have his very own Red Him). Bizarro’s trying to be patient, but Jason’s taking a long time to get back to base. The closest Batburger is only five minutes away when walking, so even with Fenris on the leash beside him, Jason should have been back long before Bizarro watched the clock tick over from 1:59 to 2:00pm.

Bizarro taps his finger on the countertop until he realises that he’s leaving a hole, at which point he sheepishly pulls his hand down into his lap and looks around hoping no one has seen him. No one has, so he breathes a sigh of relief and grins at Pup-pup and gently strokes his hair. Bizarro starts to listen carefully, but wherever he was in Gotham, Jason wasn’t talking, so he couldn’t find him, which Bizarro thought was a little bit inconsiderate of his clone-dad.

Bizarro can hear Artemis muttering to herself in the living area, so he decides to tell her that Jason is missing. He stands up, putting Pup-pup safely in his pocket and makes his way to the living area. Artemis is watching a tv show set in a hospital that Bizarro has seen before and thought that a five year old could write better and make it more medically accurate. Bizarro doesn’t really like medical dramas. He can always see through the make up to the perfectly healthy actors underneath which is distracting. Or even more distracting is when the actors are not perfectly healthy and should be in a real hospital and not a pretend one. He flops down next to her _quietly_ and realises from her muttering that she is not watching it for the high-stakes surgery or obscure diagnoses.

No, Artemis is only interested (by which she means heavily invested) in the overwrought love triangle that is currently unfolding onscreen. Bizarro doesn’t really care. Two beautiful, and far more energetic than was realistic, lady doctors are fighting for the affections of a supposedly handsome ‘Mr Surgeon’ who Bizarro can tell is actually more interested in his ‘rival’ Mr Doctor (Bizarro isn’t sure if that was scripted or not – either Mr Surgeon is a very good actor or he has a huge workplace crush...), and Artemis is of the opinion that they should drop kick his patronising, arrogant arse into a volcano and then run off to live together in wedded bliss and adopt several cats. Artemis tells him all this and then looks very surprised that he isn’t Jason. Bizarro’s not sure why she’s surprised. They look nothing alike!

Bizarro blinks at her and then says in reply “Lady Doctors _should_ marry, yes. But Me am think they should have puppies, not cats.” Artemis doesn’t look too grumpy so he adds, “Red Him no home yet.”

“Yes, _thank you_ , exactly! Dogs or cats, either is fine.” The credits for the show begin to flash on the screen, so Artemis turns to give Bizarro her full attention. “I’m sure the little one will be home soon, unless he’s having lunch with little blue. We might not see him until tonight, then.”

“Red Him and Fenris am getting us lunch from Batburger. Red Him am very late. Me am worried.” Bizarro bites his lip, ducking his head a little to look at Artemis. He really is very worried. “Me am cannot hear Red Him or Fenris. Red Her help Bizarro find them?”

“He’s not with little blue, and you can’t hear them at all? Perhaps they are underground.” Artemis doesn’t look worried, but the slight tension that increases in her shoulders means that she’s taking this seriously. It doesn’t make Bizarro stop worrying, but he does feel a little better that Artemis isn’t dismissing him. “Let’s give them ten more minutes before we start looking for them. I’m sure the little one and the beast will stroll through the door in nine minutes time, utterly unrepentant for making you worry, my friend.”

Bizarro nods. He hopes Artemis is right. Bizarro counts off the seconds, eyes trained on the entrance to Ma Gunn’s Home for Wayward Boys. X-ray vision really is useful in circumstances like this. But by the time Bizarro has counted to nine minutes, no one has come through the entrance, much less made it around the home to the warehouse that they are based in. He counts another sixty seconds out loud and looks at Artemis. He’s almost vibrating he’s that anxious that Jason and Fenris still haven’t come home, and he still can’t hear either of them.

“I’m sure they are fine.” Artemis says firmly. She looks determined and Bizarro stands up feeling jumpy and wanting to fly all around Gotham. Artemis stands too, pulling on a light jacket and Bizarro can’t wait anymore. He carefully wraps his arms around Artemis’ middle and lifts, running outside and then taking off quickly before she can get away.

“Bizarro, put me down right now. This is undignified!” Artemis grumbles but makes no attempt to force Bizarro to loosen his arms around her or any other attempt to escape. “Alright, new rule! No one picks me up unless my life is in immediate danger.”

“Yes, Red Her. Now look for Red Him and Not-Sparky, please?” Bizarro says, a little contrite, but not that much. They need to find Jason and Fenris! Bizarro does pause for a moment to wave at Ma Gunn as she pushes Black Mask around the grounds in his wheelchair. She waves back with an amused look on her face as Artemis’ long hair whips by them.

“You just had to go past her, didn’t you? My reputation with her was spotless and now I’ll have to buy her expensive cigars to keep this quiet, won’t I?” Artemis complains to no one. Any other time and Bizarro would laugh or try to something snarky like Jason would, but he says nothing and rises higher in the sky so they can see further. 

***

They fly around Gotham growing more worried as they don’t find them. Artemis even starts cursing the longer Bizarro goes without hearing either of them. Bizarro finds himself slowly gripping Artemis tighter, clinging to her for comfort. He’d feel guilty about possibly hurting her like that if she weren’t digging her fingers deeply into his arm right back, the only outward sign that she’s feeling the slow sinking fear that maybe Jason _can’t_ come back too.

After a solid hour of zigzagging over rooftops trying to catch sight of their lost teammates, Bizarro eventually hears a familiar voice. It’s faint, as if it’s coming from underground. It gets louder as their lost teammates make their way up to the surface and Bizarro hones in on the sound and flies towards it. They find Jason and Fenris sitting on some steps, clothes torn, a little bloodied and bruised, but smiling. They’re right the other side of Gotham from Ma Gunn’s and Bizarro doesn’t even care how they got there. He sets Artemis down gently and hovers hesitantly a foot off the ground, a pace behind and to the side of her. Jason’s a little bit dazed, but apart from the damage to his clothes, a few bruises in various places, a split lip and a bloodied nose, Jason is unhurt. Bizarro uses his X-ray vision to check for broken bones, but apart from the surface bruising, he’s fine. He does the same for Fenris who only has a bloodied muzzle and is resting his head on his paws, clearly exhausted and none too happy at their unexpected detour.

Artemis plants her hands on her hips, glaring at Jason while he smiles up at them. His smile dims as Artemis’ glare intensifies. Bizarro drops down to pet Fenris who whines quietly and a little unhappily until Bizarro lifts him into his arms to sit on the step on the previously occupied spot. He strokes down from between Fenris eyes all the way to back haunches, repeating the motion until Fenris relaxes and makes a huffing sigh, tail slowly wagging and thumping lightly against Bizarro’s knee. 

“I guess we missed lunch, huh?” Jason says, eyeing Artemis warily as she continues to glare at him.

“You missed lunch, you didn’t call either of us, you got yourself and Fenris into a state, and worst of all, you worried Bizarro.” Artemis says, disappointment colouring her tone. “I thought you knew better than this, little one.”

“My phone got busted? You would not believe the day I’ve had. It was ridiculous.” Jason says, rubbing the back of neck in embarrassment. “If I hadn’t gone through it, I wouldn’t believe it!” Artemis gives him a stony look and Jason obviously realises that he needs to explain further. “I just went to get food and on the way I ended up stopping an armed robbery at the convenience store, AND delivering an entire freaking gang to GCPD when I accidently walked in on them having a ‘leadership conference’. By the way, did you know that Fenris knows how to take down armed robbers? Because I sure as hell didn’t.”

“How do you get yourself into these messes? I swear if I take my eyes off of you two for five minutes you’d somehow take over the Gotham underworld without meaning to.” Artemis sighs. “At least apologise to Bizarro for scaring him.”

“Ah, man. Biz, buddy, you okay? Sorry for not coming home on time.” Jason looks over to Bizarro, still cuddling Fenris and feeling a confusing mix of relief and anger. He’s glad they’re both alright, but he wants to smash whoever attacked them. It sounds like Jason’s already done that though, so Bizarro grunts, not sure what words he’s supposed to use in this situation. “I don’t know if this’ll make you feel better, but I did manage to keep this...” Jason pulls a bat-mite meal toy out if his pocket. It’s a Red Hood, and Jason holds it out to him in apology. Bizarro shifts Fenris in his arms and takes the slightly battered little Red Hood figure in his hand. It’s dwarfed by his fingers, but he holds it carefully. Fenris pokes his nose into Bizarro’s hand, sniffing at the toy before licking it and Bizarro’s fingers. It tickles enough that Bizarro smiles despite himself.

“Bizarro am okay. Thank you, Red Him. We go home now?” Bizarro says quietly. He sees Artemis and Jason exchange a worried look out of the corner of his eye, but he really does want to go home and put the Red Hood on the shelf in his room.

“We will go home; we just need to make one stop for something before we do.” Artemis tells him and Bizarro nods, standing up with Fenris still in his arms and Red Hood in his hand.

***

Their one stop turns out to be the Batburger closest to where they live. Artemis drags Jason inside after she asks Bizarro to wait outside with Fenris. Bizarro leans against the wall and watches the world go by with Fenris sitting patiently at his feet and the little Red Hood still held safely in his hand.

Once Artemis gets to the counter she makes a huge order, asking for four of everything on the menu, and yes, all the fries to be jokerised. Order given, she walks off without a backwards glance leaving Jason to both pay and carry all the food out to where Bizarro and Fenris are waiting for them outside. Artemis smiles at Bizarro when she comes out, glancing inside the restaurant to see Jason trying to get all the bags of food into his arms without dropping any. She snorts softly in amusement, and Bizarro can’t help a smirk of his own as Jason struggles to the door.

“Really? You’re not going to help at all? Either of you? C’mon guys!” Jason complains, walking through the thankfully open door and over to where they’re waiting for him.

“Serves you right for worrying Bizarro, little one. Now you must suffer the indignity of walking home with no help.” Artemis tells him before turning away, long hair whipping out after her as she goes walking off in the direction of home.

“ _Aaaaaugh._ ” Jason replies. Bizarro thinks that noise says it all and grins as Jason tries not to drop anything. He waits until Artemis is at least a block ahead of them before taking a few bags out of Jason’s arms. “Biz, buddy, you’re my favourite. Don’t let anyone ever tell you different.” Jason says, smiling at him in gratitude as they start walking after Artemis.

“Not even Blue Him?” Bizarro tilts his head. He’s pretty sure that Dick is really Jason’s favourite person ever. Bizarro actually thinks that it’s kind of sweet how much Jason adores Dick, even if he tries to downplay his feelings most of the time.

“ _Especially_ not Blue Him. ...but maybe don’t tell Dick that?” Jason shakes his head. “Oh crap, did you tell him I was missing? Please say you didn’t. He’ll yell at me. Again. Although I guess I deserve it this time.” Bizarro glances up and down Jason’s body at the rips in his clothes and the dried blood on his chin and wonders if he does actually deserve it. Jason can be down on himself sometimes, and even when Bizarro’s feeling extra grumpy (which is happening more and more often these days) he’s pretty sure that Jason should be nicer to himself.

“No. We am not telling Blue Him. Maybe should have.” Bizarro says after a long pause, having had to think back to earlier and work out if they had got in contact with Dick. “Oh well. Red Him is back now, so no worry.” Jason looks over at him and bumps shoulders with him as they walk along (or tries to, as Bizarro’s shoulder is level with Jason’s head so it’s more of a shoulder-to-elbow bump).

“Think we can convince Artemis to keep it to ourselves?” he asks. “I mean there’s always the off chance that Dick _won’t_ read the news and work out everything I did today. Out of uniform too. Ugh, that’s gonna go down _so_ well.”

“Me am sure that will happen.” Bizarro scoffs, reaching out to take another stray bag from Jason’s arms that is about to have a disastrous meeting with the sidewalk.

“Thanks, Biz. It’s always so great to have you around to set me straight.” Jason sighs. Bizarro laughs at Jason’s put out expression. He’s feeling much better now. Everything is just as it should be. But that doesn’t mean he’s not going to try to use this to his advantage. He’s definitely going to try to get that mega-family pack of Pizza Fish gummies out of it. 

They arrive home a few minutes later, but this time there’s no Ma Gunn around to wave to. They put the bags of food on the coffee table in the living area, where Artemis is sitting in her usual spot, but this time with Fenris sitting on her lap. She’s talking quietly to Fenris, telling him that’s ‘he is a brave soul and the best of beasts.’ It makes both Bizarro and Jason grin, but a half glance from Artemis stops either of them commenting on it.

Bizarro decides to root through the bags to see what other toys they got with the bat-mite meals. As it turns out, in addition to the Red Hood he already has, they’ve got two Nightwings, a Batgirl and a Robin. Bizarro takes the Batgirl, the Robin and one of the Nightwings and goes into his room, putting them on a shelf along with the Red Hood. He carefully places the Red Hood and the Nightwing so that they’re holding hands (just like real life!).

Back in the living area, Jason has slipped into his room and the other Nightwing toy has mysteriously disappeared. Bizarro has a sudden worry that Fenris might have eaten it, but he’s still sat in Artemis’ lap. Artemis is slowly feeding him a portion of now cold jokerised fries, so Bizarro’s sure that Fenris probably hasn’t snarfled down the missing lump of plastic. As he’s checking under the coffee table he hears Jason curse quietly from his room. 

(“Stay where I fucking put you, you stupid piece of ...Damian!”

“Wow, suddenly not so sad about missing out during my childhood. Toys are overrated!”)

So Bizarro pokes his head around the door, and yes, there is Jason trying to get the missing Nightwing to stand next to a Red Hood that he must have already owned and failing as one or other of them keep falling over. Currently the Nightwing is face down and the Red Hood is lying on top of him. ( _Just_ like real life!)

“Yanno, if you keep falling over I’m just gonna leave you like that. ...and now I’m talking to inanimate objects. Great going there, Todd.” Jason huffs at himself in annoyance.

“What is Red Him trying to do?” Bizarro says, making Jason jolt, startled.

“It’s not what it looks like! I want them to stand up. Not... not that!” Jason says flustered and a little embarrassed to have been caught with children’s toys. Bizarro wanders further into the room and once he’s next to Jason he gently picks the toys up. He looks at Jason for a moment and then with a grin he sets the figures down on Jason’s desk, standing so close together that they look like they’re kissing. He grins wider at Jason’s flabbergasted look, beaming so wide that his face actually hurts a little and giggling, then he walks away to start get a bat-burger before Artemis eats them all on her own.

“Dick’s gonna make so much fun of me, isn’t he?” Jason asks the toys. The toys don’t reply, which in Gotham is something that could happen, worryingly enough. “I gotta stop talking to you, holy shit.” 

Jason follows Bizarro out into the living area and grabs a random burger out of a bag before sitting down. “Not a word, you.” Jason says to him. Bizarro laughs again, biting into his burger and clearly making absolutely no promises about it. Maybe it’ll come in handy for getting the mega-family pack of Pizza Fish gummies too.


End file.
